“The Trance-Atlantique Science Digest,” a young magazine engaged in “sciensational” reporting, has issued an emergency advisory on the occasion of the first International Day of Yoga: “People who cannot withstand headstands and handstands should avoid grandstand exercises to project themselves as outstanding yogis and upstanding upholders of Bharatiya culture. Such exercises and gimmicks may cause bone-and-nerve injuries beyond the limits of current “yogopaedic” medicine.
The much-awed magazine has also made “bone-tingling” prognostications (in its 31 June 2015 issue) about the imminent emergence of certain gamechanger yogic practices and solutions, as indicated hereunder:
1. Bhrashtachar Nirmoolan Asana and Bhrashtachar Samarthan Asana - State-of-the-art corruption-prevention and corruption-promotion postures and gestures.
2. Balaatkaar Nivaran & Nirvan Asana – A structured course of fast-action, high-power defence drills to deter molesters, gang-rapists and other “practitioners of rapism.”
3. Bharat Vikas Maha Asana – A path-breaking yogic regimen to be executed every morning by 1.25 billion Indians (SavaaSau Karod Desh Vasis) to achieve 100% growth-rate in just one year.
4. Swachh Bharat Asana – A custom-designed activity to be performed every morning, just before “Bharat Vikas Maha Asana,” by 1.25 billion Indians to achieve “Crystal Clean India” in just 6 months.
5. Shadyantra Tantra Asana – A gameplan of fiendish manipulations and manoeuvrings devised to quietly strangle political opposition.
6. SwaRaje Vikraya Yoga – A suite of bending and twisting “workouts” to “sell” India and save "fugitives from justice."
7. Krishadhan Punah-Praapti Hatha Yoga – A hot-new sequence of rigorous movements to completely and quickly retrieve pitch-black money stashed offshore.
8. Niraatankvadi Mantra Yoga – A cutting-edge cocktail of meditation-mediation-intimidation techniques to “abolish” terrorism.
9. Ardha Chandra Namaskaar – An innovative series of 27.5 postures for fly-by-nighters to salute the crescent moon and seek “her” blessings.
10. India Gate Dhyaana-Yoga – A breathtaking combo package of meditation and yogasana to perpetrate the “great-grandmother of all scams” and then vanish into thin air with “Adrshyasana.”
11. “International Raja Yoga” a.k.a. “World Raja Yoga” to acquire the prime fortune(fortune=yoga) to jet-hop across the world … on “holiday duty”… every other weekend.
“The Trance-Atlantique Science Digest” anticipates also the development of “Yog-hurt” and “Yolk-hurt” – two antidotes to counteract “yogopaedic” complications, the first for lacto-veggies and the latter for “egg-eatarians” or “yolk folks,” indulging in “forced and harmful yogic stunts.
Have a sensational, internationally Yoked Day!
Have a fabulous Father’s Day, as well(Is it “International Yoga Father’s Day”?)
Dr.Yoga De - c.ta.Ram Dev, D. Lull-Litt.*
[*This “dis-honorary” doctorate in “litterature” comes from Ill-lit Lodhi ICL University, which runs a variety of scamster’s degree programmes. “ICL” stands for International Criminal League, located in St. Urgentine’s Island, off the coast of Jet Black Sea.]